Other People's Opinions

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

About ten years ago I gave a big concert. I had been practising for it for months, and when it came to the night, I played my heart out. I came off stage knowing I'd given the performance of my life. I sold a tonne of CDs after the gig, and all the audience were raving about it. I was thrilled. But the next day, in the biggest national newspaper, there was a review that tore the performance apart. I'm not just talking about some gentle criticism; nope, he flat out hated it. He had nothing good to say. And I was completely, utterly crushed. I started to believe that reviewer - I must have been terrible, he must have known better than me or any of the audience who had enjoyed it, I was a bad musician. It destroyed my confidence, not only in my playing but in my own judgement! It took me a long time to bounce back from that, but over the years I've learnt much more about how to deal with other people’s opinions, and wanted to share some thoughts. 

Time and time again, I watch people avoiding putting their work out in public because they're terrified of other people's opinion. They miss out on great opportunities in their lives, worrying about what other people might think of them, and as a result, end up unhappy and unfulfilled. 

We spend so much time trying to control people’s opinions of us. How often do you find yourself thinking “What will they think of me? What will the reviews say? What will people think if I try that? What if no one likes it? What will my mother think? What will my husband think? What will my friends think?”  But here's the secret: we can’t control other people’s minds and thoughts; We think we can. We think we can control whether people like us or don’t like us or think our work is cool or think we are intelligent or think we are successful. But we simply can’t control what other people will think and what they will say to us. We can, however, control how we internalize it, respond to it, and learn from it, and when we release it and move on.

The first thing we need to consider is preference. For instance, I hate avocado. I know, I know! It's the ultimate trendy food right now! But I hate it; it's slimy and a weird texture and just tastes of mush to me. So, does that mean that avocados really are terrible? Just because I don’t like them does it mean they're bad? Is everyone else wrong? Or am I wrong? Have you ever not liked someone that everyone else is just raving about them? Sometimes I beat myself up for not liking everyone, but just because I don’t like someone doesn’t mean they are bad and doesn't mean I'm bad. People just have different preferences! If you don’t like something or someone then no harm done. And equally, me and my work are not for everybody. 

There's a Pinterest pin that says, 'you could be juiciest peach in the world but there’s always going to be someone that doesn’t like peaches'. Does that mean that peaches must be terrible? Is it the peach’s fault? No - it’s just their preferences for peaches. And it's the same for you. Not everyone will like you. It's IMPOSSIBLE for everyone to like you. And that's fine - those are not your people! But other people will be. They will love what you do, and appreciate your talent and like you for simply being yourself. Those are your people. 

Remember though, just as we can't control when people don't like us, we also can't control or really know why people do like us. They may think you are fantastic because you are from the same place as them. They may like your fashion sense or your haircut. They may like you because you are like them. You don’t know why people like you and you don’t know why people don’t like you. If you try and act in a certain way because you think that will make someone like you, then you're not being yourself. You show up as some version of yourself that’s trying to please other people; it's not authentic, and eventually people will realise that. 

Here's the deal - what other people think of you and your work is none of your business. What YOU think is what matters. You can’t decide whether someone likes your work or not. It is not up to you. It is up to them and their experience and their life and their preference. Give people permission to judge you and give them permission not to like you, because the truth is you don’t like everything you see/hear/read either. You have preferences just like everybody else does. That’s okay. If people don't like your work, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it. 

The real reason why we don’t want people not to like our work is because of what we make it mean. What does it mean when someone criticizes it? We are tempted to make it mean is that our work is unlikable. If this person doesn’t like it then it must be unlikable. 

Now the bottom line is we want people to like our work because we want to feel like we are good, that’s why we are seeking that approval. We were trained as children to believe we are good girls or good boys when we do it right, when we get the approval. So many of us are approval addicts. We are locked into the childhood patterns where we are literally trained to perform for approval. Lack of approval is devastating if we remain in that state of emotional childhood, constantly looking for the A paper or the pat on the head. 

The only way to reach emotional adulthood is to realise that the only approval that you really need is your own. So many people stop taking action when they don’t get the approval they crave. They only do stuff where they can get approval. Really think about what would it take to get your own approval, what would you be proud of yourself for doing?

At the other end of the spectrum from approval is criticism. One of the most frightening things for an artist is criticism. Here’s the truth: When you are putting yourself out there and putting out your work, you are opening yourself to be criticized. That’s just the way it is. That’s what we are signing up for right?

You put out a new song, or a painting or act in a play… you put out anything, people are able to not like it, and they are able to verbalize that. So many people are unwilling to put themselves in the “line of fire” for criticism because they are terrified of it. So, what is it about criticism that is so devastating for some of us? What is criticism? It is basically somebody having an opinion of you. But we already know that opinions are just personal preference.

The more popular you become, the more haters you’ll have. Look at the people that are the most successful; there are a lot of haters. A lot. It doesn’t matter how amazing the person is, it doesn’t matter what they have done in the world, there are haters. People hate Monet. They hate Jane Austin. They say Shakespeare is boring. Mahler is bland. No artist, no matter how great, can please everyone.  The more people that know about your work, the more you stand for something, the more haters you are going to have. And actually, consider how exciting it is that people are paying attention. People are taking the time to talk or write about your work. This is really an indicator that your work is worthy of opinions. It's not just vanilla bland. 

Criticism itself is not painful. It becomes painful when we believe it and we make it mean something about. It is when someone criticizes you and there is part of you that believes it that it gets to you. The reason you don’t want to expose yourself to it is because of what YOU are making it mean. You are the one causing all your pain, not the people that are criticizing you but You for believing it, taking it on and making it mean something. You’re making it mean that you are unworthy or incapable or not good enough.

So how can we deal better with criticism? 

Firstly, we need to know the difference between destructive and constructive criticism. Where is the feedback coming from and what are the intentions of the person giving it to you? If it's a teacher or mentor, then chances are the person only wants you to perform better; but if it's coming from a supposed friend, a stranger or even an enemy, then you have to wonder whether or not the person has your best interest in mind. Constructive criticism is, ideally, meant to help you. Destructive criticism is only intended to cause hurt. If it’s destructive, let it go immediately. It will not serve you. But let’s think about how we can learn from constructive criticism.

Here are some of the benefits of criticism:

·       Criticism allows you to improve. Almost every critique gives you a tool to learn how to more effectively create the work you visualize.

·       Criticism gives new perspectives and ideas that you may not have considered. Whenever someone challenges you, they help expand your thinking.

·       Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot highlights our insecurities, and allows us to work on them. If you secretly agree that you’re lazy, you should get to the root of that. Why do you believe that, and what can you do about it?

·       Your critics give you an opportunity to challenge any people-pleasing tendencies. Challenge your need for approval. Let people think whatever they want—they’re going to do it anyway.

·       Learning to move forward after criticism ensures that no one else will prevent you from working for your dreams. Think of it as separating the wheat from the chaff; takes what’s useful, leave the rest, and keep going!

No work can ever be perfect. It is all perfectly imperfect, and other people may notice that from time to time. Simply accepting that will be a huge weight off your mind.

You simply cannot and will not please everybody. People are going to not like stuff you do. But if you can handle criticism, if you can handle people not liking your work, your creativity will life will hit new heights. What chances will you be willing to take? What opportunities might arise?

And the more you put out there, the more people will express opinions about what you do and some of them will be negative but also some of them will be positive. Open yourself, put your work out there, and you will find YOUR people.